Feline Wisdom

The average house cat weighs 11 pounds and will not out run a speeding car.

Brave/Stupid Wisdom

In 1915 WWI flying ace Jean Navarre attacked a zeppelin armed only with a kitchen knife and that is a perfect illustration of the delicate equilibrium that balances BRAVE and STUPID. Jean was brave, no doubt, but he was also stupid, as it turned out, slightly more stupid than brave. Ergo, Jean is dead. Whilst he is remembered as a brave man NOBODY forgets that his bravery was worth a lot less than the average mans, because he was stupid.

Beard Wisdom

Growing a handsome ginger beard will help you no end with the ladies.
Women are suckers for the "mountain man" look and your new beard will also make you better at fighting.

Making friends Wisdom

The best way to make new friends, is to hunt them down in much the same way a hunter would stalk a pig in the bushes. Keep down low, wear soft shoes, don't peek out of the bunker until YOU KNOW it is safe.

The truth will seep out like pus when your new friends do not know you are watching!

Invaluable Wisdom

Why try?

- Charles Bukowski

YES! Those words were Bukowski’s mantra. They are carved on his tombstone! They are words to live by. Natural selection and has been rendered almost obsolete in the year 2005. The fittest don’t survive, the lucky ones do, and the dumb ones who band together, and the ones with brains like badgers.

Why try? We are all utterly fucked! The news is in friends and I’m afraid it’s all bad.

We must get down in the bunkers.

Jungle Jack Wisdom

If there is a man an planet earth I could call a hero, it would be Jungle Jack Hanna. Jack has a vast and formidable knowledge about every animal that has ever existed and though, at times, it may not seem like Jack is the brightest of buttons, his lessons about the animal kingdom are more like metaphors for life itself.

He is a tender and gentle man and the nights we spent apart draw on as slowly as a camel crossing the desert. I roll down the lonely streets, woebegone and in pain, for my Jackie is not by my side, my batteries running low, who will charge them? Not Jack, for he is elsewhere, dreaming the same dream as me. Dreaming the dream of when we are together again. All the street lights above, flickering like my delicate heart, a heart that belongs to Jack, all the cars bustling and thirsty, I too have a thirst, a thirst like the thirsty cars, a thirst that only Jack can quench. All the church windows bright with candlelight, all the people praying for love, a love that I have already found. All the history, slowly unraveling itself like God's great dream, history that is blank and lifeless, for my Jack is not by my side. All the children dreaming in the darkness, the innocent dreams of the young, the innocence he makes me feel. Oh, he doth make thy heart grow, grow big, like a big, big tree in a forest untouched by man, a perfect, heavenly forest, untouched and untainted by the cynicism of others who have not experienced the paradise of pure love.....Jesus! Fuck! What!?! I mean, ahhh, the flowers are dying, Bird Flu is closer now than ever before and we are all fucked! FUCKED!

Bird Flu Wisdom

Bird Flu is coming and we are all fucked. When it finally makes it over the high side into old New Zealand country two million people will get sick and half a million will die. These might seem like grim statistics but they come from reliable sources and they are all but official. Don't panic though, Frank gets the first word and Frank gives it to you! All you have to do to survive this inevitable death march is kill every bird you see, stop eating chicken, stop leaving the house for any reason at any time and don't listen to anything anyone tells you.

You might just make it.